You're so nebulous sometimes
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize