if i can run in heels then i can drive
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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