I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
