I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
