Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I just cut my nipple shaving
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
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