i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
