clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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