I smell stomach acid.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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