I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
my shit smells like andre
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Randomize
