Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
