Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
