Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize