Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
