Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
