My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
