Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
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