The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
