party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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