It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
