Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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