I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize