I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize