Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
