I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
