i need an iv and a liver transplant
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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