No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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