We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Randomize
