ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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