there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Mom said you looked used
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
