Your face is a jimmy john
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
