he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I need to calm my uterus...
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
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