i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
