Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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