one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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