thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize