i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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