so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
