Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
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