I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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