You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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