i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
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