...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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