Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I fill condoms, not promises.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
