Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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