I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
