So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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