My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
