The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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