I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
