My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize