Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
