your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
