I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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