He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
