I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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