Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize