Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
