it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
