If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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